I ponder life too much. That's my problem.

Okay. We've all done things that we're not proud of. You know what... That's not even the point of this post. What I'm trying to talk about is the fact that my non existent self esteem is getting in the way of things. A lot more than I would like it to. Like... ugh, okay. I'm really super scared of sex. Not because of the bullshit reasons that I've been giving to everyone for the past like two (?) years. But because I'm scared that my body is going to look so incredibly terrible that he's going to like... freak out. Ya know? Or like his expectations would be let down. Honestly, a lot more things probably would've happened by now if I liked my body. Or if I had a nice one. Not that things haven't already happened but that's besides the point. And I read this thing one day, it was some advice or something. And it said "Girls, don't be insecure during sex. If a guy is having sex with you, it means he likes your body." Meaning that it shouldn't matter, right? Because he thinks you have a nice body and that's why he's doing you. But guys just do what they can and then throw you to the side. As long as they're getting some, ya know? And maybe that's not true. Maybe that's just the stereotype that I have on guys. But it's like.... I can't even tell him these things! Because he gets all upset whenever I talk about how I hate myself. And it's like yeah I'm going to stop talking about it because I don't want you to get upset but it's still there. Nobodys stomach constantly hurts that much. I just don't want you touching it. You understand? I don't know. But it's 2:30 in the morning and I just needed to say all that.

October 21, 2013.

So I've come to realize a few things about this second period health class. One: childbirth is the most disgusting thing ever. Two: all the races stick to eachother. Like, all the white folk talk to eachother, the Hispanics are within themselves, and the blacks sort of talk to everyone. So they're an exception. I don't know why I felt to share. Trying to get my mind off the gross video, I guess. It's about sex and reproduction and stuff like that. They guy narrating literally just said that sex isn't fun. Pfft! Okay, bro. Nah, I'm #TeamVirgin. We watched childbirth happen. Seriously nasty shit. The kid just shoots out! You know those machines that shoot out tennis balls? Yeah, it's like that. This whole video makes my body hurt. Like, the babies got stuck and oh my god it looked painful as all hell. My wrists hurt. Like my scars are throbbing. The redness will go down for about thirty minutes and then the bottom one will get all red again. I'm not complaining, though. I like my scars. They're battle scars, ya know? I don't want them to go away. Because I'm scared I'll lose the constant reminders to not do it again. Not like I could, though, if I wanted to. I don't have anything to do it with. I broke my lay one after the last time. Sayin as I broke my promise and all. I really wish I wasn't so shy in this class. In every other class, I'm outgoing an noticed but not in this one. Heh, I bet the people in this class could never imagine me being not shy. I'm not sure why I am in this class. I hope Nathan's bruise goes away soon.

I've never been this stressed before.

And the thing is, I don't even know why I am. Like, I do. But I don't know how to put it in words. Let's start off by saying I'm stupid. Holy shit, am I dumb. I wish I was smart. You know, intelligent. Like him. He's really smart. There are times where I'll be sitting in class and tney ask a question. Nobody is raising their hand, right? So I'll do the problem in my head. Then the teacher will say the answer and it'll be what I got when I did it in my head. So then I feel stupid for not saying my answer and passing up an opportunity to appear smart. Now let's talk about how I'm not good enough for him. Yeah, he can switch it around and tell me that he doesn't think he's good enough for me but whatever. We all know it's the other way around. And we also have to throw in the fact that I'm a terrible French kisser. Top of the stairs today? Ha. Must've messed up every other time. No, it's not cute. So don't tell me it is. At this point, I should know what I'm doing and I don't. God, I'm so pathetic. So at this point, the only thing I've got going is a half decent face with a terrible body. He's got a fucking v-line! Automatically makes me the fat one in the relationship. Which is partially why I started working out. Who know, maybe I'll start eating light ranch, too. That sounded mean. You know I love you. I'm not mad at him, so don't think I am. I'm frustrated at myself for letting myself go from a nobody to a somebody to a nobody again. Oh! And that's another thing! He knows everybody. And none of them know who I am. Maybe if I was popular like him, I wouldn't be hating myself as much. I'm not saying I hate myself because of him. Definitely not saying that. I'm just saying that I hate myself because I've finally realized who I am. Or who I'm not. Either one.

Using the Schools laptop

I'm depressed again.

Thank you for listening, sweetheart.

Honestly.... I don't think I even need this blog anymore. Yeah, it helped. But everything is going great right now. I fixed everything with Jacob. Maybe the way that I did it wasn't the right way, but it helped me realize a lot of things. Long story short: we almost broke up. Or that's what he thought, at least. Anywaysss. I'm scared for high school. Not because of the drama and stuff like that. I can handle that. But because I'm scared that I'm going to get bad grades and fail classes and the teachers aren't going to like me. I mean, I've got to follow Mandy's act for gods sake. It's a lot of pressure. Plus, I'm going to be in California the day that they give out the tour of the school and which class is which so I have to do that the first day and I'm scared it's going to throw me back. *deep sigh* I know things are going to be different. Way different. Maybe some of it will be for the better, I don't know. But things like... I know Jacob and I are going to break up. I mean, it's an eighth grade relationship. I realize that. But I hate the fact that I realize it. I've only heard of one couple that's been together since eighth grade. Well, there's another one, but she regrets it and cries everyday because of it. So, I don't want to end up like that. If we do break up, it's most likely going to be because I end it.. I'm not sure. I don't even like talking about it, so let's move on to another subject. Ummm like I said in the last one, I like my face. Sooo that's good. I'm starting to like my body.. But that one is going to take a looong time. I'm working out everyday. I have to go to the doctor on the 30th and I'm really not looking forward to that. Partially because I have to get shots, and partially because they just say your weight out loud. Like it's nothing! Little do they know that they're destroying my self worth. I just really really really really really do not like shots. They're just sticking needles in you and they don't even care. And I'm a screamer. Heh, that sounds nasty. But I legitimately scream when I get shots. Like the kind of scream that scares the little kids in the waiting room. It's bad. But the nurses laugh! So I'm glad they're getting a few chuckles in because of my pain. Good for them. Bitches. I mean, I can't get out of the doctors appointment because I have to get a physical to be able to do sports for high school. I want to do A LOT of things in high school. Just so I get involved, ya know? Yeeah. I'm going to go. I love you, darling <3

lol you're cute (not)

Honestly my life is at an all time high right now. I graduated yesterday. There's nothing wrong with Jacob and I. And yeah. Things are just great right now. So there's this girl. And she's always rubbing her "perfect" relationship in my face. Well her and her boyfriend aren't going to the same high school.  So she's all sad and what not. Which I completely understand. But now it's like ha! I get to go to high school with my boyfriend and rub it in YOUR face. You stupid hoe. And they're going to try to date through high school. Seriously. Let's see how that works out. She already treats him like crap. It's not going to end well. I see it. Everyone sees it. Nobody wants to admit it, though. And I'm being super honest right now, I'm glad it's not going to end well. It's what she gets for talking crap about my relationship and being a damn hypocrite. But w.e. ONE MONTH CLEAN<33 My self esteem has gotten better. I like my face, atleast. I'm starting a whole thirty day work out thing. So hopefully that helps. But yeeeah. My face. It's cute. High school is going to be different. I'm not sure how to feel about that. Hm. I have to go to dance. I love you, darling <3

boys don't like girls with scars

Okay. I figured it out. See, because of the fact that I hate myself so much I find it hard to "accept love". From anyone who isn't family, at least. So, when Jacob (boyfriend) says something really cute or explains how much he loves me, it surprises me. Because, in all reality, I'm just here. Nothing special. Not beautiful, not talented, nothing. I'm just here. Yet, he finds the simplest things about me and "falls in love with them" I'm guessing. Which I really don't understand. And it's not me who thinks that he's going to break up with me, it's everyone else. People don't like us dating because of this whole thing with his ex that ended really badly. And they don't want that to happen with me, and I end up getting hurt. Which I completely understand. That's simply looking out for your friend. But when you tell me every single day that he's going to break up with me and you start starting bets on when we're going to break up and you start rumors about me saying I'm going on movie dates with other guys, that's completely changing the situation. So, I know that he's not going to break up with me (he's constantly talking about our children and our marriage and our wedding and stuff like that), he knows that he's not going to break up with me, and yet we both constantly think one of us is going to break up with the other. Because of all the stupid people. So. Long story short, everybody wants us to break up except for us. And because they're constantly impounding this whole "wtf bitch he doesn't love you he's just going to break up with you" thing into my head and so I start to believe it. Which I shouldn't. So I'm stopping. Okay. I love you, Darling.

Me

Before I start ranting, and someone reads this and thinks that i'm complaining about nothing, let me explain who i am. Well, you can call me May. Though that's not my real name. I hate myself. Let's just get that out of the way. I compare myself to everyone else, and not just in looks. In everything else. Personality, talent, esteem, life. Just anything they have that I wish I could. I'm an ex-cutter. Clean 6 days. Only because some people took my razor and smashed it with a brick. So even if I wanted to, I couldn't. Because of the fact that I don't like myself, I can't accept love. Which results in me thinking that everybody hates me. People who aren't my family, atleast. The one "something" that I had mentioned in the first post is my boyfriend. See, he drives me insane. And that's what the next post will probably be about. Anyways, I've never felt good enough. I always feel insignificant. Worthless. "Be careful or you might trip over my low self esteem." That kind of thing. The only thing I've started to feel better about, is how I look. Simply because I've taken the actions that I need to get my looks where I want them to be. *sips sprite* You know, working out, cleaning my face, putting on makeup. Those kinds of actions. I don't really know how to describe my self hate. It's the kind where I wish I was blind so I wouldn't have to look at myself. I just... I don't want to talk about it anymore. Maybe this blog wasn't as good of an idea as I thought it was going to be. I love you, darling.

Hello.

okay. so this blog will remain completely anonymous. I'm not going to tell anybody about it, simply because I don't want to. Here's my problem: I let things get to me. Wether i'm super happy about something, and it's all i talk about or something's really bothering me and it's all i talk about. The thing is, that something is the same something. So it's all I really talk about anymore. At least for the past three months. Minus a week and a half. So, all my friends have gotten really annoyed with me and have asked me to stop. Me being me, I stopped because I always want to please people and I don't want them to get annoyed with me. Now i don't have anyone to talk about this to, and I don't want to talk about it to anyone, so i'm going to use this blog as a way to rant about it. There's only one person I might talk about this to, and i'm not one hundred percent sure about that. So be prepared to read about this one something that bothers me yet makes me super happy at the same exact time. Thanks, darling.