I ponder life too much. That's my problem.

Okay. We've all done things that we're not proud of. You know what... That's not even the point of this post. What I'm trying to talk about is the fact that my non existent self esteem is getting in the way of things. A lot more than I would like it to. Like... ugh, okay. I'm really super scared of sex. Not because of the bullshit reasons that I've been giving to everyone for the past like two (?) years. But because I'm scared that my body is going to look so incredibly terrible that he's going to like... freak out. Ya know? Or like his expectations would be let down. Honestly, a lot more things probably would've happened by now if I liked my body. Or if I had a nice one. Not that things haven't already happened but that's besides the point. And I read this thing one day, it was some advice or something. And it said "Girls, don't be insecure during sex. If a guy is having sex with you, it means he likes your body." Meaning that it shouldn't matter, right? Because he thinks you have a nice body and that's why he's doing you. But guys just do what they can and then throw you to the side. As long as they're getting some, ya know? And maybe that's not true. Maybe that's just the stereotype that I have on guys. But it's like.... I can't even tell him these things! Because he gets all upset whenever I talk about how I hate myself. And it's like yeah I'm going to stop talking about it because I don't want you to get upset but it's still there. Nobodys stomach constantly hurts that much. I just don't want you touching it. You understand? I don't know. But it's 2:30 in the morning and I just needed to say all that.